Fear shrinks your heart

A story from Finland

FEAR has always been entrenched into my being and the beast behind many of my decisions (or rather indecisions), behind the crooked ways I’d often navigate my life. On the foundation of a hypersensitive core, another foundation was laid upon - my upbringing - which left some sticky imprints on this very core. Living in a constant hypervigilant state set the perfect stage for, as Gabor Maté so beautifully defines it in his book, a scattered mind. Further navigating a society and an environment utterly unattuned to my deepest needs, made me, in turn, even more attuned to the world around me, often at the detriment of my own wellbeing and the capacity to hold TRUST. Walking around with these fears and allowing them to get bigger than our hearts, profoundly obstructs our ability to see beyond our own small universe. They are a censorship of accountability, freedom and love. I am now making a conscious yet gargantuan effort to relearn to feel safe in the world, hence in my own body. And to trust beyond my reasoning.

What I am going to relate next is a story about fear in anthitesis to trust.

Beginning of 2025. 🐍 After a 9 year gap, we return to Finland to spend time with (Ștefan’s) family and explore the country in more depth, while hoping for a winter wonderland. I’m a snow child, I come alive in this kind of landscape. The colder it gets the warmer my heart, the healthier I feel. The more snowflakes fall from the sky, the more I am able to access my inner child and my belief that magic does exist in real life.

After 3 very cold days with little to no snow, and a previous gloomy and rainy week in Estonia, there’s finally the perspective of one day of a white landscape. Off we go in search of the wonderland! While we have some particular spots on the map we want to reach for woodland walks, we also always love to discover random places along the journey. Those are often the best. I notice a forest of snowy birches (my favourite trees) and a small road that follows through. We park our car midway through this road. There’s no one else in sight, we can only hear the giant snowflakes dropping from the sky. The sound of silence, I call it. We start walking along the enchanted forest, taking photos and rejoicing at the magical feeling that winter carries along. Soon in our walk we can see some pretty red buildings that look to us like small warehouses or uninhabited shacks. I love the contrast between the vibrant red against the white of the snow and the tall pines, and I immortalise this still yet lively landscape with my camera. Ștefan also takes a photo of me against the smaller red building. Further along in our walk, more houses show up, these ones looking like proper homes. We go round the first building, and the closest one to the warehouses, in order to reach the main road of what looks like a village.

We only take a few steps into it when we notice one young man approaching us from behind the main house. He shouts something in Finnish and we stop. He is wearing a high visibility vest and a badge. I don’t have a good feeling about it. This is the (approximate) “dialogue” that followed:

T: “What are you doing here?”

Ștefan: “We are walking around and taking pictures of the landscape.”

T: “I don’t believe you. Where are you from?” Wait, what?! I’m boiling inside at this remark, yet I try my best not to react.

Ștefan: “We are from Romania.” We are visiting the area and have family in

Närpes.

T: “Nothing good comes out of it when foreigners come here. Can I take a picture of you two?”

Ștefan: “Sure.” We answer, reluctantly, yet not in the space to create any trouble. We allow him to take a picture of us because we know we’ve done nothing wrong but also to show him trust. Unfortunately he didn’t have it in him to understand this, we found out later on.

T takes his picture and walks away. I’m feeling all kinds of feelings and I don’t know which emotion is stronger, the anger, or the disheartenment. I also notice his hands are shaking when handling his phone and I sense panic - I think of people who behave like this when they have something to hide (we eventually found out T is a hunter, so you can draw your own conclusions).

I have a desire to further explore the environment, yet I feel too deflated to do so at the same time, so we also back away. In the car Ștefan (half) jokes that we’ll show up on social media. I laugh in disbelief but the heavy feeling lingers and I wish I would have confronted him (his inhuman and xenophobic remarks), thinking how I (still) get into that freeze zone when someone says something so absurd and far away from who I am as a human being, that it feels hard to even believe what I’m hearing, not to mention act upon it. I guess this encounter also came as a little bit of a shock, since we have been travelling through the Nordics so many times before, and we’ve never had any issues of the sort. More than that, we’ve always been feeling in tune with this environment in many meaningful ways. A powerful example, I think, of how important it is to hold trust and balance expectations at the same time.

By the time we reach the comfort of our home in Närpes, it seems that the whole town's talking about us, on a local facebook group, and beyond. How flattering! Stefan’s aunt shows us the photo T took of us (our faces are covered) on a FB post stating the below:

“ Be on the lookout!!” There’s shivers on my spine even now, while writing, a few days after it happened.

“ Two Romanians [very important detail, of course 😐] sneaked around our yard today and took pictures of buildings and also opened the door to a small warehouse building. Confronted and then moved away with a car parked away. Male and female aged 30-40.

Police said to call 112 immediately if anyone sees them again”

…

Just like earlier on the day, I am left speechless. WHAT THE HELL?! It takes me a few moments to realise it’s not a prank. I even laugh a bit, but it’s not my laugh. This guy is so emotionally immature and his reasoning so limited, I’m thinking out loud. And the saddest part is that he is not an isolated case, judging by the reactions to his post, many of them being in unison with his fear driven attitude.

Below is the evidence that turned us into sought after potential thieves: Stefan taking a photo of me against a small warehouse whose colour I enjoyed. And by the way, we didn’t open any door to anything. I get so fired up when I see “small” humans inventing things just so they appear bigger to themselves and to others. At least I feel lucky I’m not in the states with a gun pointed at me for…trespassing. 🙃

We are extensive travellers, we’ve explored a wide variety of continents and cultures, not just for the simple pleasure of it but also because we deeply believe (mindful) travel is the richest and most authentic school of life. It opens both your mind and your heart to the paradoxes of being human in an array of societies that often seem not just miles away in distance but planets away in navigating their inner universe. Travel, done properly, not only gives you lessons in history, it further teaches you how to contain the fact that you are part of something bigger. We are usually assertive when it comes to our values, while we’ve also been learning to pay attention to nuances and to tone down our reactiveness when something or someone sharply contradicts our principles or the way we navigate life. And although sometimes it doesn’t come naturally, we try to be mindful of a different culture and understand what people’s needs are, whether we are in tune with it or not, so that they don’t feel like we’re intruding. We walk through villages and take pictures all the time, like when we come down from a hike, for example. It feels weird that I’m even explaining myself for it. And by the way, we apologised for (supposedly) entering T’s property when we were talking face to face. There was absolutely no sign of private property, or anything else indicating we shouldn’t be there, but I’ve learned that when people are telling you you’ve bothered them with something, you have to go past your own filter and try to understand what exactly triggered that reaction.

The story goes on, messages and phone calls pour from all directions and Ștefan also replies to T’s post (in his usual wise and articulate manner), yet I’m not going to plunge into all the details as this will turn into an overly long newsletter, and that’s not the point. T deleted Ștefan’s comment which further demonstrates his inability to hold a conflict (which he created, after all). He left no room for a different perspective. He probably felt threatened, once again, and he reacted out of the same place as he has in the first place.

If this story weren’t so sad, it would have been quite funny actually. Imagine, two foreigners stirring the waters in a small town where otherwise nothing much happens. A decent scenario for a movie.🍿 Not to mention the popularity, the sudden and out of nowhere fame. Funny not funny. 🎭

I don’t remember many moments in my life where I felt so insulted. You might ask how can one not lose trust in the human species after an experience like this? I’ve asked myself the same question. What I realised is that by holding onto this emotion for too long, I would not only shrink my own heart but also propagate T’s narrowness in perceiving the world around him. And while I acknowledge my right to feel bitter and angry at this kind of behaviour and prejudiced mentality, I don’t want to allow it to prompt all my decisions in life.

Fear can be the most wonderful catalyst for self expansion and going past our conditioning, but also an easy road to burning everything in and around ourselves. It prompts us to reject everything that we do not understand. It can stand at the root of isolation, bitterness, poor decisions, self-sabotage, and the most damaging conspiracy theories. It creates wars, in and out of ourselves. Fear hijacks our ability to LOVE.

Let’s turn the lens on you:

If your fear(s) had a colour, what would that be? How does it feel in your body and where do you feel it? What’s the root of your fear and what triggers it now? Can you contain it, take action or does it get bigger than yourself? If fear stands in the way of a broader understanding of yourself and the people around you, how can you turn the volume down on its power over you? If the colour of your fear is red (which usually translates into a need to control everything around you), how can you make it more blue? 🔥 Or, on the contrary, if your fear has a tendency to slip towards blue (think of freeze or fawn responses), how can you turn it into mindful action?🧊 If you’ve been prompted by this, I’m here for a debate 🐆🦥, or just for listening.

“Fear is simply neurotransmitters reacting to a perceived threat.”

THANK YOU for being here!

As another year of me laying down my thoughts in this digital home unfolds, I think it’s a good time to give you a hug for being my reader. 🌷 Thank you for sticking with me through my inconsistent writing pattern. Thank you to the new subscribers and to those who’ve been here all along. Thank you to those who have engaged one way or another (shares, likes and comments are of great help in taking this further into the world) and to those who have been touched by an article yet have chosen to keep that for themselves. Thank you to those of you who have been training your attention and read (my) articles word by word, and also to those who found it hard to do so and get easily distracted.

I am quite fond of Substack, it provides a shift in perspective and a respite from the mass information governing the SM platforms, which is often irrelevant, uni-directional, fear driven, controlling and impersonal. Call me an old school chick, a nostalgic (I’m definitely one!), but I miss those slower times when we’d send handwritten letters and where we had time to reflect upon what to write back, instead of over reacting like we use to do on social media. I miss the lack of junk and the two-directional interactions and I try to reinstate part of that (almost) forgotten world into this space. It feels good.

I am not (yet) willing to commit to consistency and a specific writing frequency, hence I am not pushing the paid subscriptions (although I strongly believe in normalising paying for writing you like and find useful in any way), but you do have the option to buy me a cup of tea (or several) here if you enjoyed a particular story. I do love a fancy cup of tea, I must admit. It nourishes both my mind and my body. It’s writing in good company. It prompts me to use my voice in a focused manner. It gives me the illusion of sipping a cup of tea with you, dear reader, while we chat about the (inner and outer) world.

I wish you a year of REAL, AUTHENTIC living! 🌱 And remember that almost everything in life is relative. To quote one of my favourite humans, Kimberly Ann-Johnson, “Maybe your year has "begun" and you're not ready for it to begin yet. Maybe there are cards you wanted to write or gifts you wanted to give- you can still do that!”. Make your own beginning of the year. It’s still winter (in this hemisphere) and we are, naturally, still in hibernation mode. I loved this post. Oh, and I hope we’ll drink that yummy tea together, in real life! 🍵🍵

Sparks of interest:

💎 How to Live a Quiet Life, in 2025 reflects on how we choose to direct our attention and on allowing this direction to be guided by the beauty around us.

Susan Cain

is also one of my favourite Substack writers.

💎 It’s more painful to keep your creativity inside you than to let it out into the world.

💎 What would you regret more in your eighties? Doing the thing or not doing the thing? Always start backwards, with your end in mind, whenever you are weighing on what to do (or not do). It puts things into perspective.

💎 From Day Job to Creative Fulfillment - Passion Projects

💎 2025 Beauty Predictions. No one takes the bullshit out of our current definition of BEAUTY, more in style and better documented than

Jessica DeFino

.

💎 The Last Weather Observers. Although I don’t think I’m personally built for decades of the same routine, I found this beautiful and longevous LOVE story a soulful testament to how a purposeful routine, particularly when shared and if it involves being outdoors often, creates a healthy happy life. There’s too many artificial needs we create and adhere to nowadays. Simplicity does not mean flatness. And boring is not our problem. Restlessness is.

💎 Stuck in a loop. Five tips to read more books in 2025. Another well written story about how this endless scrolling of ours steals not just our focus and energy, it steals life out of us. It expands way beyond our lost ability to pick up a book and stay with it. And speaking of (good) books, I’m feeling generous at the onset of this year, so here’s a list of my favourite readings from 2024. Enjoy! 🤓💛