Life at 40. A heartfelt audit. Part 1
What makes me glow. What makes my soul shrink. And the soothing in-betweens.
DISCLAIMER: This is a long one, as number 40 has definitely set reflection in motion, so thank you for staying with me until the end and for paying attention. Thank you for seeing me.
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I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my birthdays, which, I now know, had a big deal to do with a massive need to be SEEN and appreciated. Dread and excitement would coexist in the weeks preceding my birthday, gathering up like a ball on fire, a fire I had barely any idea how to contain a few years back. I’d crave to be around people and be celebrated, yet I’d often feel the need to escape and hide in the hollow of a tree once I made that happen (my friend in need, a friend indeed). I’d love to be the centre of attention (I still do, really, to some extent) and the spark in the room, yet I’d get either too shy or too self-conscious when that wish would come true. I’d conjure up an ideal image of how my birthday would look like, only to get extremely anxious once my yummy mind would decide to show me yet a different image of how everything would fall apart instead. I’d gather a bunch of people around on my birthday, particularly during my late teens and early 20s, only to throw tantrums when I’d feel I’d get too much attention. They were seemingly adult tantrums, yet what they truly reflected were my needs not being met, and a way of internalising, as a highly sensitive human being, a hypercritical and emotionally unstable family environment, where I’d constantly feel I needed to walk on eggshells. I had a hard time self regulating because of that, a clumsiness that spanned across my adult life as well. Relentless hypervigilance became my second nature. Tantrums and rebellions were my subconscious cry for help. For an adult to listen. To be attuned to my needs and understand where I’m coming from without dismissing me. And it took a while for me to become the adult in my own life, and stand in my power while I would also tend for my inner child. To give myself permission to play, rest and feel free.
I used to feel lonely in London a few years back and I was craving for deeper connection and real friends (the overall shallowness of the industry I chose to be in when I moved to London didn’t help much), so I threw a party and went above and beyond with preparations (oh, you sweet people pleasing behaviour) and invited people I barely knew, in the hope we would tie the bond, only to be let down at the very last minute by all of them, except the only two real friends I had in this city back then (we’re still friends to date, after 9 years of living in the UK)). The sadness and confusion around that event - that I deemed as a total failure - stayed with me for months on end and I didn’t have the tools, back then, to process and shake it off.
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Fast forward to my 40th year and I was again tempted to put pressure on the moment by planning big things (like organising gatherings in both London and Romania, where I was to spend my actual birth day), and so risk falling in the same trap. I don’t know if it was my current selective energy (an energy I know I need to spend wisely to not get utterly overwhelmed) or more like an awareness of and assumed decision to be around people whom I feel I match on a more profound level, whom I can engage in existentialist conversations yet also laugh at life with, but I managed to hijack my own initial plan and follow spontaneity and a less is more approach. And so I played by intuition in choosing the place and the very few people I’d spend the day with, hence bringing meaning and excitement to it, while also letting my guard down for a bit, releasing the pressure and lowering expectations of others and myself. I haven't had such a genuinely good time in a while, and I didn’t feel the need to hide or to impress (ok, maybe just a little, OLD HABITS HEAL HARD).
Speaking of (human) interaction, this particular 3 weeks trip through Romania felt like a hurricane of emotions - exciting, triggering, fulfilling and draining altogether. I don’t think I’ve ever had such an intense mix of experiences (people I’ve met for the first time, some newer friends and some old), in such a short amount of time. I’ve had quite a few genuine interactions and breezier, fun conversations, yet most often than not I’ve seen and heard people struggle (like a lot, in case you’re still buying into the perfect social media layer), repressing or hiding behind a meticulously glammed up image (sometimes without even being aware of it).
In this whirlwind of emotions and human processes, and through observing people I came in contact with, I thought a lot about my own triggers and limitations, and, more than everything, about WHAT MAKES MY SOUL AND HEART SHRINK 💔 lately:
Quick fixes. A pattern I regularly stumble upon during my holistic workshops or private lessons (or any other interaction that has to do with external beauty). Yet these are not the only contexts this aspect is so prevalent in. In the healing and wellbeing realms, which have now become industries in themselves, there’s also a lot of fear induced and the obsession with QUICKNESS, which often leads to just another form of toxic competition (with ourselves and others). We are so struck by the belief that we need to aim for perfection, that we lose sight of all the nuances. We often take healing as an excuse to not live life. We want to heal (ourselves and generations to come) yet we just don’t invest enough energy and patience into being with our emotions, with the uncertainty, with the discomfort and the process. We are eager to consume experiences with little space for processing and integration. We jump from one to the next, in a perpetual fear to not miss out. We preach and indulge in SLOW(another word we use so often nowadays without really knowing how to do it or why it is so important) EXPERINCES only to spend a considerable amount of time (still) on our phones or computers, and go back to the same crazy rhythm once the midnight clock has turned everything into thin air. But it’s important to show others that we’ve been there. We reach for the next best retreat yet we overlook tending to our basic needs (proper nutrition, rest, community), which are a prerequisite for being able to digest everything else and navigate life with more ease. Satisfying our basic needs is the most accessible way towards our healing, yet we somehow neglect it. We put way too much value on the external, on how everything looks, and there’s huge mismatches between what we see and what is real. I’m not here to tell anyone they’re not doing enough, because at the moment I think we’re DOING more than we should, way beyond what our nervous system has the capacity for, but we need to start doing things differently, for once and for real. We need to resist the urges triggered by a society that unfortunately thrives on people being in a survival mode.
Botox. Something that is so closely and intrinsically linked to the point I mentioned above. Everything accelerates at a rate impossible to comprehend, lately, and it’s all terrifying, yet there’s something utterly disturbing about seeing so many people, women in particular, with a completely distorted image (translated into modified facial features) of who they should be and should look like in order to fit into some elusive ideal. It looks more and more grotesque and I don’t shy away (anymore) from saying it out loud. Everywhere I turn my head to, there’s fakeness and sameness. I personally crave for realness, for gentleness and softness in people, and that applies to both their inner and outer beauty. I crave seeing and feeling cracks in the soul and lines on the face.
I used to feel anger and disgust at this phenomenon escalating at an incomprehensible rate (just like the climate crisis or the people’s constant busyness, can you see any connection there?). The anger and frustration has eventually subsided into sadness. It’s even more disheartening, as I work in an industry that promotes exactly this kind of superficiality. My values are often being shattered and I question my place in it. I cling onto the good and beautiful things, but it’s not easy, as they are sometimes overshadowed by exactly what I don’t stand for.
I can anticipate at least one kind of defensive reaction here, sounding something like "What's your problem, let people live the way they want to live, it’s just your opinion”, but we’re not talking about individual choices here anymore, or aesthetic preferences, it has become a global pandemic. I can’t NOT SAY anything when I see so many girls resort to injections and fake features from such an early age, which only exacerbates their already poignant mental health issues. We use layers of make-up and cosmetic surgeries as band aids. We can’t even go out of the house without make-up and fake lashes anymore, which is crazy, just think about it. In today’s online world “realities” travel fast and with dire consequences. So yes, in this case, it becomes my problem as well. And I won’t even go into the health risks associated with injections…
There was a time when we strived to prove ourselves only to people in our workplace, partners and extended families. Now there’s an increasingly large audience - the online world - that is our current target. And this is completely draining and damaging to our mental and physical well-being. We live in a botoxed society, both literally and figuratively, that’s the reality.
We need to start looking for better anchors and models in life. We can do better than this. We need to resist the urge to fall into the trap of a consumerist and individualistic society, telling us how to be, how to dress, how to feel and what to look like. It’s not easy, I know it too well, but little yet consistent changes and habits will lead to a bigger and more sustainable leap of faith. Go find those people who can support you in all your realness and messiness. THOSE ARE YOUR PEOPLE.
Trends. I guess I’ve always had an adversity towards trends, in all of its forms.
For a very long time, I'd tell myself that I'm slower than the rest (slow learner, slow achiever, slow at reacting, slow at everything), that I always fall behind, that I’m not smart enough to pursue certain things or people. My whole system registered an overload of tension around this label. It took me a while to snap out of this mindset, and realise how much of a pioneer I actually was. I became curious and passionate about eating healthy, and food as medicine, some 20y ago, long before this became the trend that is now. I started looking deeper into my struggles, looking for root causes and going to therapy, at 24, also long before mental health took centre stage, new research had been weaved, and people started talking more openly about it. Again, long before it has become so “popular” and more easily accessible. I delved into somatic practices when there was barely any mention of it on the larger scale. I started teaching private lessons at the very beginning of the Pandemic, and it gave me purpose and pleasure, amidst the toughest of times. I started a Substack newsletter, as a soul project, first thing it launched, at a time when no other make-up artist/beauty professional had one (at least no one I’d know of, and in the UK). I plunged into the green beauty realm, as a genuine extension of my love for nature and its ability to heal, before people and brands resorted to this lifestyle in order to catch up with the trend and not necessarily as a core value (greenwashing is at its best nowadays). I am not bragging here but I need to hear myself say this out loud, so I can believe and integrate it. All these things I was good at and ahead of time with, I was either not seeing or dismissing as trivial, just as I was too wrapped up in defining myself through those particular aspects I deemed as more valid or important, by society’s standards. I was exactly what I was telling myself I wasn’t, funnily enough. Once I started shifting this mindset (still working on it), everything else, in and out of me, started to change as well.
Yet this awareness came to go with a different bug. I have a strong rebellious nature, that comes part as a relational trauma response, part as a manifestation of my innate wild spirit. The moment I started getting a glimpse of how it feels to step into my power and realising that I wasn’t actually falling behind and always “late to the party”, on the contrary, was somehow in sync with this trendy world taking centre stage. Almost everything becomes a trend nowadays and that, to me, is the equivalent of being void of meaning, authenticity and individuality. The amount of time, work and effort I put into all the above things that have suddenly become a trend, didn’t make sense anymore. Something breaks in me and I cease to find any worth in it. I start questioning my own place in it and the value I can myself bring forward. Maybe that’s just another layer I need to peel off. I will let it unfold and trust the process.
The current pace and our lost ability to sit still and focus. There is no way we can sustain this rhythm for much longer, let’s not fool ourselves, we will keep on imploding and exploding until we break. So will nature, as a consequence. And that comes back to humans, in multiple ways, and so the cycle never breaks. Nature will figure out a way for itself, though, we humans won’t. As Patti Smith so elegantly put it “Social media, we overuse it, people become addicted to it and their peripheral vision starts closing in, we’re getting tunnel vision. You see people on the street and instead of daydreaming, or instead of looking at the leaves, they’ve got their nose in the phone, and I think we need to DAYDREAM more…a lot of creative impulses come from daydream, a lot of new ideas, working out problems, entertaining oneself; it’s important for children and it’s important for adults; we don’t want to lose that drift time.” There's a current epidemic of chronic restlessness triggered by a society that doesn't allow us to sit still, which only exacerbates our uneasiness with ourselves, our internal discomfort and lack of attunement to the emotions of others and ourselves. There is not much we can contain lately, in this perpetual quest for consuming, proving and achieving.
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I won’t even begin to talk about wars, climate crises, poverty and other current atrocities in our collective existence, because I believe we need to address these “smaller” problems first in order to have the capacity (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) to handle and solve (without spitting fire and creating even more rage and animosities) the bigger ones, and not to mention the awareness of how everything impacts everything. Most often than not, it’s exactly these smaller black holes that we humans are struggling with and our lost ability to see the bigger picture, that are at the root of the anomalies that threaten our existence on this Planet. They are all MAN MADE.
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BUT ALSO ABOUT WHAT MAKES MY SOUL (AND CONSEQUENTLY MY SKIN) GLOW ✨🐬:
Nature. A deep immersion and wander in its richness, cyclicity, presence and community spirit. There’s no better teacher, therapy or inspiration for me. There’s nothing that has more healing power on restoring an authentic relation to self, others and the environment, which we seem to be going further and further away from at the moment. I am lucky enough to be part of a generation that ate from the ground, got dirty, spent her summers at our grandparents in the countryside, didn't have a phone until 18, and was taught (via example) to appreciate nature and its beauty. So I lean into that, hoping I can plant this seed in other places as well.
Wholesome foods. We would all be in a much better place, physically and emotionally, if we began with proper food in our belly. And I’m dreaming of that time when we’ll start counting nutrients and colours on our plate, rather than calories.
Movement. My healing process took a totally different turn once I came across somatic practices and I started moving in an intentional way. First and foremost, I learned how to be in my body and how that deeply influences my relationship to both selves and others. I learned how to release and let go (of thoughts, control, people and labels).
Exploring the world in all of its shapes and colours, while staying grounded and being mindful of my impact.
Colours (in nature, food and people). Oh my gosh how that makes me happy!
Real and tender conversations (with real and tender people).
Books. And by this I mean fiction, art and nature books, children books. We are currently in dire need to step away from stuffing in so many modern psychology (self-help) and work related readings, and from our addiction to knowledge. We need a moment for our own pleasure, with no goals in sight and less clinging on to the outcome. We need to feed our inner child more, rely more on their untainted soul, wisdom and intuition. We need that magic and lightness back into our lives.
Beauty. The glimmers we start to experience once we put our phones down, bring awareness to our presence in space and start looking closer.
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🏁 To round this up, yes, I do believe the current state of humanity is dire and only getting worse in so many fundamental ways. We are hungry for connection yet we still linger so deeply on extreme individualism, we judge and compare, instead of supporting and staying curious. We are depleted of physical, emotional and spiritual energy yet we still aimlessly wander and scroll other people’s’ “lives”, and we “live” virtually much more than we do in reality, instead of giving ourselves permission to rest and relish in “boredom”, to sit with the in between, the neither nor. We feel stuck, yet we insatiably consume instead of creating and just being. We bury ourselves in work in order to avoid our humanness, instead of embracing it and asking for help when needed. We are animal bodies, not machines, yet we act and function as if we were the other way around, which lands on these major dissonances within ourselves and the endangerment of our humanness and harmonious living.
At the same time I think I’ve always been a (rather quietly) hopeful human being, and I somehow, deep down, believe in a more balanced (and colder) climate for the future. Yet for this to happen, we need to expand our limited belief that everything spins around our own small universes (as if our actions and thoughts don’t affect the rest), and while we try our best to wake up to a higher consciousness in order to repair the damage in and out of us, we need to look closer to THE BEAUTY AROUND US. The closer we look and the deeper we see and feel it, we become it, and it spreads like seeds on a meadow, it grows bigger and wider.
🐛 🦋 🐆 This is (only part of) me, in the 4th decade of my life, in all of my glimmers and struggles, strength and weaknesses, light and shadows, longings and belongings. It’s damn difficult to be a person looking for depth in a shallow culture, as Dr. Nicole LePera put it, yet I still choose to be that person, no matter what. And I chose to be in those experiences that remind me that I am not “wrong” for having this rebelliousness against norms that we have been taught and pressured to function under. It’s clear to me that the more I am being honest with myself and the more I connect to my spiritual and creative selves, the more I’ve been feeling this clash with spending my time on social media or being in the service of others in a depleting way, and the more I crave to embrace my wilderness and free spirit. I’ve recently immersed in Kimberly Ann Johnson’s deeply insightful Jaguar work for the whole month of May and this is one of the quotes that stayed with me: "it's not a sign of sanity to adapt to an insane environment".
Thank you to all who are here with me, in one form or another. CONNECTION is precious, the most precious thing we have really, so let’s cultivate this, above everything else. The rest will follow.
I’m going to draw away (it was about time, right?!), for now, and I’ll leave you in the tender company of two quotes that, I think, beautifully sum up the energy of this text:
"When we are young, it’s the illusion of perfection that we fall in love with. As we age, it’s the humanness that we fall in love with- the poignant stories of overcoming, the depthful vulnerability of aging, the struggles that grew us in karmic stature, the way a soul shaped itself to accommodate its circumstances. With less energy to hold up our armor, we are revealed and, in the revealing, we call out to each other’s hearts. Where we once saw imperfect scars, we now see evidence of a life fully lived".
~Jeff Brown~
“We have a lot to learn from our feathered friends about living lightly. We, too, must be mindful of our energy; to be a human living through such strenuous times takes a lot. We must ensure we’re not always “holding onto crisis” as the late Toni Morrison put it, but also seeking out sweetness from the sources we have found over time. And when everything around us seems impossible to understand, we can remember our ability to navigate the world with kindness - to be gentle with ourselves, each other, and the earth for all the while we hover here”
~The Overview by Willow Defebaugh~
And in the company of a short visual diary of our encounters with the natural world, flora and fauna, in Romania. The purest of blessings and what spirituality (or call it religion) feels like for me.
